I am angry, for complex reasons that probably only my therapist will understand.
I feel torn in half, one half being the enlightened, calm, loving side and the other, which brings me to this blog!!I feel horrid when I hate my life, my existance..because I then feel ungrateful ( which mostly I am) Today though I cannot see anything good. I am sure friends do not like this side of me as much as i do.....
Why can i not just accept the way my life is? I live alone, and yes I am lonely..I cannot even see me being able to co-habit with another as I have lived alone for many years now.
Is this degree going to actually help me to have a meaningful job one day?
I am aloof and distant...apparently..I do not know who I am anymore and I feel old and ugly and worthless.This saddens me beyond description. I do not know if i have any talents? I have never really felt loveable, and if it has been shown or spoken..I am so fucked up I cannot hear it. Mostly I am fighting an internal battle, and I am scared that my shadow is winning.
I cannot see my own goodness, and I am afraid of becoming a cynical, bitter twisted human..simlpy because I cannot find who I am??!!
I am responsible for my life and who I become, and after years of no intimacy at all..I am drying up, my love or juicy self is dying....what kind of a life is this..and why does all this SHIT keep coming up? when I am away from this western world i feel free, i do not worry about such stupid things,and I am happy with who I am...but here I am trying to finish a degree, to ultimately help others..and I hate myself. This is a very raw blog and i am certain that it is a vent!!! so do not read any further, and dont try to sugar coat it!!!!
I dont know how to help myself, I am a pathetic human who cannot even motivate myself to go for a swim or a walk...isolate and withdraw is safer..then I have to go to uni and try and contain my anger!!! No wonder I am not popular..I have nothing to offer perhaps...so i sit here venting to this screen, smoking too many cigarettes, and cups of tea..with too much sugar!!!
I believe in prayer, fairies, environment, people and all things calm and beautiful...I just dont believe in me!!! what is there to believe in...I am a puppet..to this western world. I am selfish ( obviously) because i wander to often to have children or pets..I long for things...like a home and warmth...this is normal i guess....So here I am not very attractive is it!!
At least i am facing myself...with all her vast faults...and I am angry because it appears that all else are just filled with light an love for all...so I then feel worse, and morbid and dark.

This life we see around us, will be over in the blink of an eye.
"The world is full of stories, but the stories are all one" The 5 people you meet in heaven.
I have a story, a script that is my compass on this journey....in the lyrics today she said "the real world is made of spirit,emotions tell you all you need to know, emotions are your navigators, accept them.....accept them.... how has  my moral compass been damaged and ravaged by the hurts of time? because......
my answer to my question today in a movie....
"We think by hating someone we hurt them, but hatred is a curved blade my friend, and the harm we do to others...we also do to oursleves" this got me around to thinking of love and forgiveness...
how I (should??) why does the word should have negative connotations?? that I should try to forgive those who have done me wrong or hurt me.....
I can only keep myself trapped by my own making, nobody is to blame for the life i see, it is up to me to change it, cut away the dead wood so to speak...cleanse myself and move on....
"sometimes when you think you are losing something, your really just passing it on to someone else"...
Life has to end, love does not.....
life can feel very unfair and i struggle to make sense of it, at times....and then i remember, if all i see is an illusion, and time is an earthly construct..then i must accept the cruelty that life hands us at times, I always remember the kindness and compassion too...
" stars......they are one of God's good ones" The bucket list..
I remember simplicity, to relax, to let go, to stop fighting/resisting....to go with it.....

Take out all your wasted honor
every little past frustration, Take out every so called problem, better put em in "quoteations"
Say what you need to say
Walking like a one man army, fighting with the shadows in your head...
living out the same ol morning, knowing you would be better off instead...if you only could say what you need to say.
Have no fear for giving in, have no fear for getting on...
its better to say  too much, than never to say how much you need to say again...
even if your hands are shaking, and your faith is broken
even if your eyes are closing, doing it with your heart wide open....
say what you need to say...

????? do not know who sings this.....at the end of a new fav movie The Bucket List...

people are walking away from this path I am walking
Alone, yes I am...I honor those who are walking toward their own destiny..
Intimacy is when I feel connection, or when a friend shares their story..They are trusting that I will treat their story with repect, and I do.
I am sad to be in the process of legal dissconnection from my husband, we were never connected at the best of times.Phew...Sad, however, I did learn alot.
I do not believe that I will ever marry again. I hope that one day I will find my soulmate( if they exist?) I hope I do not beome cynical about true/real love...
I am sad because I do not know if I will ever have a child.
I am sad because my relationship with both my parents is distant.
I am sad that the scars of abandonment still linger.
I am sad because my tears are locked up and frozen, even though I am trying to access the pain and let it flow.
I am sad because, I feel trapped.And I realise that only I can free myself.
Underneath all this sadness, is a grateful person, for all the blessings...Thankyou...

" Be careful what you pray for.......you just might get it" ......Vika and linda bull.

Another day of navigating this mortal coil..people, connections...conversations..answering my internal questions....talking and listening.....who hears me? who truly listens...patience is truly a virtue worth sitting with, and silence.. as they say golden.....I need no advice to read my own map...just a curious and brave ear...
That neglected wild rose garden that has been overlooked of late...is starting to blossom..
I truly can say, that I am turning the earth in preparartion for what is coming my way...
A true relationship, safety, trust, a healthy bond, love and kindness, appreciation, wisdom and laughter...friendship with a sexual connection.
ahhhhhh this!.....(an Osho) book title, good book as it happens..this title always remins me to breathe more.."this very body, the Buddha....this very earth the lotus paradise" Osho
My heart is expanding, like the lotus towards the sun, out of the water of my emotions...
Om shanti shanti shanti Om
Blesings Tj xxx

I Love my friends, I hope I show them this? I feel lighter after being with them..
I Love who I am becoming, Im certain I care for myself..
I still want to create, dream,believe,laugh,be curious,be still,love and work..
Magic is real, home and nature...
embrace the seed of love sown in you somewhere..

37........how the time has danced on by,
Dark paths and illuminated....
Love and fear.....
Grief, yes,......and strangely optimisim.
The beat, that inaudible drum...the heartbeat....Being present, the body and mind are connected.
I have a painting of a girl flying in the dark of night, with a golden blanket...into the stars, thankyou....sweet artist from my past, Your name was Joy..you were american.
Soul mates and who are my enemies?
walking, dancing, dreaming, lost and found..That gossamer invisible web, take me to Asia, for I feel at home there.Gypsies, the blood red rose, hanging from my lips.
Watch me dance, latin.....and be moody, and be loving, and be loyal, and be angry and sad, and be human.
Oh how graceful it all feels...yet......my black dog is sitting at my front door, and I had a dream that a black dog was my ally????we have a certain repect for one another now....
the bandaid has been taken off my soul, I can feel, I can be me, I am no longer subdued, It is a scary dark path....nightmares when you know you are dreaming....The strength to hold the torch higher, and say fuck off, be gone......There are angels and devils, fairies and norty pixies out there to be sure....My world view encompases the yin and yang the dark and light, the intergrated whole......

Insecurity, shyness, my own silly walls I have quietly built up around my weathered heart.
ignorance, judgement, gender mysteries,?????/

However, I can see some of me in others, and that includes the light and the dark..
Separation is an illusion...I still yearn for a humans warmth to be near me...
so the separate feeling is oft intensified.

Listening to Buddha Bar song titled "Nature" the film clip is also amazing.
I am in awe of this site, I know when I have travelled this globe of all the truly amazing people are out there, it is just refreshing to be reminded..That I am not alone on this spiritual path..
I guess I have created some interesting walls around me, from heartbreak and ache, Grief and loss...concentrating on a university degree....and at times I wander far from the path....I get a little lost...I lose faith..however, Luckily I am always reminded of what I have and I am truly blessed with much, in this existence.
I am truly blessed I had to repeat this to talk to myself there!!!
anyways I love the feeling that when one feels they have it all figured out, life throws another curve ball, and again I am faced with knowing nothing, how wonderful, because I am given the opportunity to start again...to try once more, to believe I am doing my best with what i  have already..

happy weekend